Picture the scene if you will: kettle on, tea bag, one dunkable biscuit. It’s a beautiful morning, the birds are singing happily but drowned out just ever so slightly by the noise of three children bickering. Judging by the conversation, I suspect the youngest is protesting because his big sister is attempting to bury his favourite car in the sand pit. As I listen to them squabble, the natural instinct is to head out there and intervene. Tears and tantrums are never fun so stepping in quickly would be good as it should alleviate both.
Taking another sip of tea, I continue to listen. The noise has died down so I steal a quick glance in their direction. Whatever confrontation caused the initial outburst has since disappeared and peace has descended once more. This is not the first time I’ve had course to re-evaluate my parenting techniques and I’ve come to the conclusion that we do our children a favour when we keep out of their way.
The art of negotiation
What the parent of siblings will call quarreling, the business person calls negotiation. How do the best negotiators learn their art? It would be difficult to test this theory but wouldn’t it be interesting to find that our greatest business negotiation teams are headed up by the folks with lots of brothers and sisters? If we stop our children from quarreling, we rob them of the opportunity to develop this much valued skill.
Learn to compromise
Going hand in hand with great negotiation skills, we need our business brains to know how to compromise. Similarly, having the ability to compromise bodes well for relationships at home. What better place and time to practice this skill than in the battleground of sibling rivalry? Knowing this, why would any parent want to wade in unnecessarily?
Develop imagination and creativity
Just before Christmas last year, my eldest two went on a school trip to a miniature village set up to look like the homes of TV characters from a programme they follow in school. They had a fabulous time looking round the houses and meeting some of the characters. One in particular struck a chord with my youngest and for days afterwards, I would hear her and her sister playing pretend. On one occasion they borrowed their dad’s video recorder and filmed each other. Watching the video back,I saw a side to my youngest daughter that I have literally never seen before!
Grown-ups cramp children’s style. They need space to play safely but with freedom. They also need the opportunity to be creative without the fear of mum or dad stepping in and correcting them. Drink tea in the kitchen is good for your children’s creativity.
Great at fixing things
Ultimately, the thing I have learned is that given the opportunity, our children will usually sort out disagreements all by themselves. Allowed to do so from an early age and this becomes a skill that they can build on as they get older. Siblings being given the space to resolve arguments for themselves at the age of 10 are going to struggle if this is the first time they’ve ever done so. Had they practiced this from a younger age, it would be easier by now 
That’s what I think but now it’s your turn. Do you do this? What do you think?
Howdy Eleanor! I didn’t know you have kids. This is cool. I think I learned a few things from your examples though I only have one kid (daughter) so I guess she’d have to learn how to negotiate with us (her parents). LOL. I do realize, however, that she needs to have a little bit of space so that she can do her own thing. My parenting skills seem to be getting a little bit rusty that’s why I do appreciate reading this post. Thanks for sharing! =)
.-= Ryhen @ VS Mind Power´s last blog ..Correspondence: Why The Macrocosm and Microcosm Are So Fugging Awesome =-.
Twitter: GiveABrick
Hi Ryhen,
Thanks for stopping by and for your great comment. I’d not thought about this from an only child’s perspective. It’s great that you’re aware of it but ultimately, I suspect school will be her training ground for negotiation. How old is she? If she’s anything like my middle daughter’s friend (an only child) she’ll have a hard time with this negotiation, especially initially. Hang in there with her, it does get easier
Twitter: ralphcarlson
You are so right to let the kids sort things out. If they need you, don’t think they won’t let you know.
.-= Ralph´s last blog ..Borrowed Wisdom =-.
Twitter: GiveABrick
Oh boy, do I know how true your words are. Funny how they always need me when the ‘phone rings
Twitter: ryanhanzel
Very nice post Eleanor. It really got me thinking because like you I am the one that will step in to intervene to stop any possible growth in the argument. I haven’t really thought of it from this perspective and will keep this in mind when my children get a little older. You are right in giving the children their freedom to be children and develop their skills. Of course with certain exceptions.
.-= Ryan Hanzel´s last blog ..Find your rabbit hole =-.
Twitter: GiveABrick
Hi Ryan,
I locked myself in the toy room last week just so I could finish a telephone conversation in peace! Believe me therefore that I know how easy it is to bring children up doing literally everything for them. My 7 year old would have me brush her teeth if I’d do it!
Good to see you
Last year I remember standing in the kitchen and being yelled at by my eldest. I went in and found her holding her empty plate out to me whilst her eyes remained firmly facing forward. We learned lessons from that one
I wish that was how it’d worked when I was a kid.
By the time I even had a brother I was already 8 years old, so of course everyone was extremely protective of him (myself included to a point). Can’t help but think we missed out just a little… ah well.
Great post though, good to see it worked ^_^
.-= Heather´s last blog ..The Elf Blacksmith =-.
Twitter: GiveABrick
Thanks Heather. It was really a culmination of several occasions all rolled into one neat package for the purpose of making an entertaining but informative blog post. Call it artistic licence if you will
Are you and your brother closer now? Like I said earlier on Sire’s post, families are what you make of them. I’m sure you all did great
Oh my brother and I have never NOT been close lol; thats what I mean, we literally don’t argue. Ergo no negotiation to be learned. Bribery on occasion, yes, negotiation, not so much
.-= Heather´s last blog ..The Elf Blacksmith =-.
Twitter: GiveABrick
Ah, I understand now
I thought you meant you missed out because you didn’t have a close relationship. Don’t worry though, I’m sure you’ll compensate by finding another willing volunteer to work on 
Oh yes, its fun ^_^ More bothered about his, ah, ‘education’ really.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..The Elf Blacksmith =-.
Twitter: kruby
Hi Eleanor,
Funny enough, I say this to my elderly Mom all the time about my sisters who tell her about their daily struggles. I’m like, “Mom, don’t get so involved and wrapped up in this, because the drama will be over by tomorrow”. My sisters will forget all about the conflicts, but my Mom is really sensitive and internalizes a lot, especially for things that concern her kids (who are all grown up, btw). Good for you for learning the lesson now, rather than later in life. Let them figure things out on their own without parental intrusion.
Thanks for sharing.
Karen
.-= Karen´s last blog ..Know These Five Causes of Conflict =-.
Twitter: GiveABrick
As your mom demonstrates, it’s a hard lesson to learn. Us mums all think we know best so we tend to try and take over, even where it’s not needed or invited
It sounds like your mom has a very wise daughter, she’s very lucky 
Twitter: paulworswick
Eleanor,
What a great read this is. I’m with you on all your points; especially developing childrens’ negotiation skills. I’m a person who so grateful for being one of five children (three sisters and one brother) and the opportunity to develop an important skill set.
I’ve seen on a number of occasions parents intervening with their childrens’ disputes; all in the cause of a peaceful life. I find children very entertaining and amusing when they are in dispute.
Regards
Paul
.-= Paul´s last blog ..The cycle of the four seasons =-.
It seems we have something else in common other than our love for blogging, and that is that we’e both tea drinkers and love to dunk, although I rarely stop at one biscuit.
I agree that it’s best to let kids resolve their own issues as it teaches them how to interact with others. We should only step in when things get out of hand and should never come in screaming. Best to pull them apart, settle things down and see if you can help them resolve whatever is bothering them teaching them how it was done.
.-= Sire´s last blog ..Why Alexa Is More Important To Me Than Google Page Rank =-.
Twitter: GiveABrick
I couldn’t agree more. More than one biscuit is ideal. But too many and they argue with each other over space on my waist line so I try to keep them apart as much as possible
As for children fighting, being the eldest of six, the thing I’m very aware of is the need to be fair. It’s easy to assume that the eldest is at fault but (in my parent’s house at least) this was never the case
Taking time to let them resolve stuff is vital. Good point!
[...] using every day experiences to motivate and encourage others, this has always tended to err toward the safe, warm and fuzzy variety. However, having spent the last three days cleaning up after my young man and with no apparent [...]
Twitter: dboguejmatthews
“Work it out or go somewhere else” is now a famous quote in my house. I think the kids do need to figure out their problems and learn the negotiation and diffusing skills by themselves. Besides, I get tired of refereeing. If it is bad enough I will interfere but they are getting old enough to do it themselves! Great story Eleanor!
-Justin
.-= Justin Matthews´s last blog ..You only have 24 hours to… =-.