It’s well documented that laughing is good for your immune system, fertility, stress levels and food cravings. I love to laugh but am rubbish at remembering jokes so courtesy of ThePerfectJoke.com, here are 5 great jokes to improve your health:
1. Playing doctors and nurses
Little Johnny has been playing at his friend Mary’s house all afternoon when Mary’s mother brings Johnny home, and she looks very angry.
Mary’s mother says: “I caught your son playing doctors and nurses with my poor little daughter”.
Johnny’s mother replies: “Let’s not be too harsh on them. They are bound to be curious about sex at that age.”
“Curious about sex?!” Replies Mary’s mother. “He’s taken her appendix out!”
2. The sand deliverer
Jose approaches the Mexican border on his bicycle. Hanging from his shoulders he has two large, bulky bags.
The border patrol guard stops him and says, “Hey mister what ya got in those bags?”
“Just sand,” replied Jose.
The guard says, “OK get off the bike and we’ll take a look. Who carrys all that sand around?”
The guard takes the bags and empties them on the ground and sure enough there’s nothing but sand.
However he is suspicious and so he detains Jose overnight while he gets the sand analysed. The next morning he receives the report that states that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard has no choice but to release Jose and puts the sand into new bags, slings them onto the man’s shoulders, and waves him across the border.
A week later exactly the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got in those bags?”
Jose replies “Sand.”
The guard performs the same examinations on the bags and discovers nothing but sand. Once again he gives the sand back to Jose who crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every week for over a year until finally Jose stops showing up.
A few weeks later the guard bumps into Jose in a Cantina in a local village.
The guard approaches Jose and says , “What’s happened to you lately I haven’t seen you”.
Jose replies “That’s right I have finished the job I was doing.” “So what sort of job involves taking bags of sand over the border” asks the guard.
Jose sips at his beer and replies, “Smuggling bicycles!”
3. Grandma causes trouble
Little Brian was staying with his grandmother for the school holidays. He had been playing outside with the local children and then returned to the house.
He asked, “Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?”
She was rather startled at the question, but decided to tell him the truth. “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.”
Little Brian just said, “Oh, OK, thank you Grandma” and went back outside to play with the other kids again.
Ten minutes later he came back in crying and said, “Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s called Bunk Beds and Tommy’s Mum wants to talk to you!”
4. Goodbye mother!
Young Simon was walking around his local supermarket picking up a few items for his evening meal when he noticed an old lady was following him. He tried to ignore her but every direction he went she followed.
Eventually he went to the checkout, but the old lady managed to push in front of him and turned to speak to him.
“I beg your pardon,” she said, “I am very sorry if I have alarmed you by following you around, but you look just like my son who died recently.”
“I am very sorry to hear that,” replied Simon, “that must be very disconcerting for you. Is there anything I can do to help you?”
“Well there is one thing that would cheer me up a bit,” she said. “As I’m leaving, will you call out ‘Goodbye mother’ to me?”
“Of course,” answered Simon and as the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye mother!”
The girl on the till checked out his items and said “That will be $135.”
Simon was shocked. “How can my bill be £135?” he asked, “I’ve only bought a few things!”
The checkout girl replied, “Your mother said that you would pay for her!”
5. Ummm, I’m out …
What should go in fifth place? I’m not sure. Can you help?
photo credit: Robert S. Donovan
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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: ryanhanzel
February 11, 2010 at 6:45 pm
Hey! I gave you the sunshine award, check out Writers Addict for the details!
I read a lot of men’s magazines.
I loved the jokes but sorry I only can remember dirty jokes right now, didn’t want to put that into the 5th place
Ryan Hanzel´s last blog ..Raising the reputation bar
Twitter: GiveABrick
February 11, 2010 at 7:16 pm
Thanks for the award Ryan. As I said over at yours, I’d not heard of this. Great idea.
Feel free to come back and add a 5th place joke when you have one suitable for our audience
Twitter: ralphcarlson
February 11, 2010 at 6:52 pm
I love jokes. I am humor-challenged but working to overcome it.
Ralph´s last blog ..Flibbertigibbet and other tongue pleasing words
Twitter: GiveABrick
February 11, 2010 at 7:17 pm
I remember reading over at your place about your attempts to learn more humour. I seem to remember that I downloaded a free ebook about writing humour as a result of reading that so I for one appreciate your efforts at humour
Twitter: TheDrEgg
February 11, 2010 at 10:28 pm
OK, it’s an old one by Dave Allen, sadly now deceased:
O’Reilly had had a wonderful evening in his local, there was a band playing, all his mates were there and the drink was flowing freely. Truth be told, he’s probably had one too many. It was way past the 10pm when he had told his wife he would be home and he had already missed the last bus. Nothing for it, he had better walk.
So O’Reilly set off for home on Shank’s pony. As he left the pub, the sky’s opened and as he trudged along the road, the water found its way down his collar and in through the hole in his left shoe. Feeling wet and miserable he trudged on.
As he rounded the corner, he saw the his local church with the graveyard on its southern sound. There was a sudden flash of lightening and a crash of thunder. As he looked across the graveyard, his mind turned to thoughts of ghosts with all those dead bodies lying in their tombs.
He thought carefully, realising there was a short cut across the graveyard. Did he believe in ghosts? No, his imagination was getting the better of him. He rested his hand on the gate and pushed. The gate opened with a loud creaking sound – his mind again turned to ghouls and ghosts but he pushed the gate open and entered the graveyard.
The moon, that was full that night, had initially shown him the path but suddenly disappeared behind a cloud and he found himself stumbling forward with his hands outstretched, trying to find his way.
There was another flash of lightening and he thought he could see the path he needed to follow but the sudden white light meant that any night vision was immediately lost and the darkness closed in around him.
An owl hooted somewhere overhead and he found himself ducking, somewhat disorientated.
He stumbled on forward, trying to find his way. Suddenly, with the rain pouring down around him, he found himself falling into an open grave that had been dug for a burial service that was due to take place the following day.
He realised what had happened and he turned to climb out of the grave. Graves being what they are, they are at least six feet deep and with steep parrallel sides. He tried hard to get a foothold on the edge of the grave but the rain made everything slippery and their way mud sloshing around the bottom of the grave.
He tried again. He tried jumping up to try and find the top of the hole. Each time he slipped back down. He was getting exhausted.
Now unbeknown to him, some 20 minutes earlier, Shamus O’Donnall had fallen down the same hole, having decided to take the same short cut. He had had the same experience and had decided to make the best of it and wait until morning when he could summon help. Given the drink that he had consumed, he had nodded off in the far corner but the noise that O’Reilly was making caused him to wake up. He decided to give O’Reilly the benefit of his experience.
He tapped him on the shoulder and said, “You’ll never get out.”
He did!
Dr Egg´s last blog ..Why Science Says Happy Works – Dr Egg’s Blog
Twitter: TheInfoPreneur
February 11, 2010 at 10:48 pm
Eleanor, Dr Egg this is why I love this site and you guys. Jokes, humour and passion what else in life do you need?
Fantastic, not much of a jokes kinda guy myself far too busy tweeting, posting, being a forumite, replying commenting and …. wait got a new tweet… oh wait what was I talking about?
TheInfoPreneur´s last blog ..How To Get My Site Popular Quickly?
Twitter: Bigredtomato
February 12, 2010 at 9:32 am
The only joke I can ever remember is what do you call a donkey with 3 legs…
wonkey…
Matthew Needham´s last blog ..How Leaving Great Comments Adds To More Than Just The Conversation
Twitter: TheDrEgg
February 12, 2010 at 10:18 pm
Ah, Matthew, I used that one in a lecture once. Only I used the longer version:
What do you call a donkey with one leg?
A wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin’ love?
A bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin’ love while breaking wind?
A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin’ love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes?
A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin’ love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin’ love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a truck?
Incredibly talented!
Twitter: GiveABrick
February 12, 2010 at 10:17 am
Lol. That has me standing here giggling Matthew so I guess it proves the old ones are good too
Twitter: benlumley6
February 12, 2010 at 10:53 am
LMAO these are ace! Thank you for sharing them.
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